Research

I have sat at my kitchen table with my back curled in a bad postured hunch for days. For several days, my brain has pulsed with a screen-induced headache as I have poured over research, literature reviews, and journal articles.

I have an impending research proposal, a 15–20-page paper, the first draft of which is due in a few days. I have highlighted important information, and summarized, synthesized, and organized research for hours and hours. All of that is on top of the usual reading and writing load for class.

My shoulders are tense, and my neck aches under the strain of stress and anxiety. My sleep has suffered, and so have my self-care rituals.

Today, I have made efforts to take my health back. After taking the kids to school, I worked out, stretched, and practiced dance. When I got home, I made a healthy meal, cited a couple of articles, and summarized a couple more.

For days I have been feeling the loss of my writing. As I have said, this is as much a therapeutic exercise for me as anything. It helps me to reframe my day, process the good, and release negativity, all while exercising creativity. I miss it when I don’t make time for it.

Making time is what I am doing right now. I should be getting a shower and preparing for the rest of a very busy day, but this is important.

While academic writing tends to taint my enjoyment and desire to write, creative self-expression still benefits me greatly.

For example, I stepped on the scales for the first time in a couple of weeks yesterday. I have gained over five pounds. That was a significant gut punch; however, it was not difficult to believe. I have been sedentary during class work, eaten sparingly throughout the day, and then snacked at night before bed. I was immediately crushed with a wave of fears about “getting fat again” and uncontrollably putting on weight.

I obsessively checked my weight twice more yesterday.

However, I know the problems and patterns. After a bit of self-care today, I was able to look at reasonable and logical solutions and healthier habits and choose a way forward. I will stop eating by 8pm, replace one meal a day with a protein shake to ensure I am getting my protein, and resume my pushup regimen that had slipped with all the stress.

These are all reasonable measures I was doing before; I had simply allowed stress and anxiety to interfere.

Stress is an insidious killer that seeps in slowly, overwhelms quickly, and distracts you from the damage it is doing while robbing you of your defenses. It wreaks havoc on our bodies through hypertension, weight gain, loss of sleep, inflammation, and a whole host of other problems. It also wears our minds down, disrupts healthy thinking patterns, and creates maladaptive behaviors and thoughts. When clinicians talk about the need to find healthy ways to cope with and process stress, they are serious.

The good news is that there is a myriad of ways to reclaim your health. Here are just a few examples:

1. Start small: find something small to do that is healthy and brings you joy, is easy to accomplish, and takes little time or effort. Make it a point to do that small thing today, maybe even a few times. Momentum is key in reclaiming your health; you have to get started, and it is easier to keep going once you do.
2. Involve your body: the research shows conclusive evidence that physical activity benefits our overall health. In fact, recent research has shown that 30 minutes of elevated heart rate exercise three times a week can have a greater impact on clinical depression than leading medications. Using your body to move and process stress allows you to work it out of your system and floods your body with endorphins, making you feel better, think clearer, and give you the energy to tackle the things stressing you out. So, find something fun and physically active and get up and move.
3. Do something creative: research shows creativity activates the same brain area affected by PTSD. In other words, creativity actively works and builds the exact same processes that stress and trauma attack. Creativity allows for meaningful and enjoyable outlets for self-expression and processing and creates meaning and positive emotional associations in its place. Draw, bake, write, sing, dance, or find your own way to be creative, but use your imagination and create something!
4. Practice mindfulness: ok, so there is a lot of information, research, and applications that aid in “mindfulness practice.” Most of the resources will refer you to a meditation practice. That being said, mindfulness is simply being aware of how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and what is going on in the world around you in the present moment. Mindfulness is important because it keeps us from obsessing over the past or worrying about the future and helps us engage with what is happening now. It also lets us see the slow and subtle attack of stress and anxiety. When we are aware, we are more able to react and practice better self-care.  

I hope these suggestions give you some inspiration today. Please, let me know some of your favorite forms of self-care in the comments below.

Naps

One hundred years ago, when I was in kindergarten, school was fun. We had awesome toys like marble racetracks, building blocks, and play kitchens. We would read books, learn our address, and go to recess. The one part that stands out the most was nap time.

We could choose a place in the classroom, lay out our blankets, and we took a nap. I loved finding a shadowed place under a table or desk. There was something comforting about backing into a protected little corner and being mostly hidden from the world.

Kindergarten has changed a lot. My kids brought home spelling words like tachycardia and algebra equations for homework. I felt like telling them I hadn’t figured out my own problems yet, how could I possibly solve for “A”?

Sometimes, I miss those days. Well parts of them. Ok, one part of them… nap time. I miss naps.

Narcolepsy is a weird disorder. Part neurological, psychological, and immune system dysfunction. It presents in as many ways as there are people afflicted with the condition.

For example, I do not randomly fall asleep. I am always tired. I can go to sleep repeatedly throughout the day if I lay down but can struggle getting to sleep at night. Waking up is a nightmare and I never feel rested a new.

I think that is what I miss the most. Laying down for a nap, letting sleep overcome you, and waking up feeling like a new person.

Between the Darth Vader wannabe set of masks and hoses I must attach to my face to sleep and breathe at the same time, and the dread of feeling half dead when I wake up, I don’t simply let sleep “overcome me” anymore.

My sleep specialists have told me repeatedly that even with medicine I would probably need naps and should feel free to do so. The problem is the message never seems to make it to my inner voice of guilt that likes to chide me for being “lazy” and tells me to “grow up and do something productive” whenever I consider a nap.

Thanks, jerk.

That being said, the sky outside is a beautiful glowing red and pink, and my head is buzzing and foggy from a sleep attack. For those who may be wondering, for me, a sleep attack is when a wave of tiredness washes over me so strongly I feel like I could lay my head back and pass out regardless of where I am.

My body does not care that the sun is setting and that if I take a nap now, I could ruin what little sleep schedule I have.

Today I am going to make a different choice than I normally make. I’m going to take a nap. Why am I sharing all of this with you?

Because guilt can keep us from practicing self-care. The tyranny of “ought to” and “should be” can be our biggest enemies. There will always be things to do. While we can not be irresponsible and ignore those things which must be done, neither can we ignore ourselves and give in to things that seem urgent but not important.

I am going to go take a nap, and I hope that you will take a few moments today to listen to your body, think about your needs, and take care of yourself. If you don’t, who will? If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of anyone else?

Grounding

I came back from Greece early. My daughter asked me if I could accompany her on a field trip and when I told her I wouldn’t be back yet, she wept. That was the night I was over being in Greece. I was able to rearrange travel plans and was sitting in my car behind a big yellow bus as she exited the school.

The field trip to the Sugarland area of the Smokey Mountain National Park Led us down a wide and well-marked trail. The park ranger stopped by trees and talked about the plants and wildlife in the park. She taught the kids about habitats and our role in conservation. Eventually, the trail led to a narrow waterfall. After breaking for lunch, we finished the trip with various games and activities.

Throughout the entire trip, my daughter kept finding me, locking eyes, and smiling. At lunch, she sat close to me ignoring the calls of friends and classmates. Every few minutes she would repeat how much she missed me, how glad she was that I was able to come on the field trip and that she loved me.

Even her teacher let me know how excited my daughter had been that I was going to be there.

This weekend my son sat with me, talked my ears off, and ever so often repeated how much he missed me and loved me. I took them in my arms, held them, and let them know every time that I loved them and missed them too.

Today has been my first day back without them.

The majority of my day has been spent resting, listening to audiobooks, and working out. I reached for my computer several times today and found no inspiration, drive, or desire to write. As the sun sank low and the light began to turn golden, I became restless.

Fall is my favorite season and no time of day more than late afternoon and evening. The temperatures have been cool, the sun warm, and the sky clear. Something inside me screamed to be outside, so I went to the park and took a walk.

Golden beams dappled the ground under massive shade trees. The green waters of the creek seemed like a reflective sheet of glass. Wildflowers dotted clumps of grass, weeds, and fallen branches and the air smelled fresh and clean.

After meandering through the wooded section of the park I walked through the fading sunlight along the open fields. A small flock of brilliant blue birds with red bellies swooped and darted in front of me. The sun caught the blue on their backs like a brilliant highlight against the greens and yellows.

I have always loved Bluebirds and I took a few moments to stop and watch them dart and play.

Life has been a bit of chaos lately. Going to and adventuring around Greece, changing travel plans, rushing home, reuniting with my children, and then having to let them go all too soon. My emotions, anxieties, and sense of normal have been all over the place.

I needed peace. I needed something to help ground me and help me find stillness.

I could not sit and write, because I could not sit and think. My brain switched from topic to topic, ran too fast and seemed to phase out, and was malcontent and restless. The cool breeze, warm sun, fresh air, and vibrance of life around me at the park were a healing balm. Nature has a funny way of doing that.

I told my kids that no matter how far away I was, if they ever needed me, to call me and I would be there for them. I am so thankful that I could prove to them how much I meant that. Yet, I am also keenly aware that I can only “be there for them” like I need to be when I am intentional about taking care of myself.

Life can get crazy. Nothing must go wrong for the chaos of activity to catch up with you. You can not give what you do not have. Find those things in life that bring you peace, ground you, and still your mind. Pursue them stubbornly so that when you are needed, you have a well of strength to draw upon instead of a teacup to ration from.

Recuperating

I have taken too many trips this summer. Each morning this week I have woken up wishing for more sleep. While that is not particularly new, given my struggle with narcolepsy, it has definitely been worse this week. My brain feels mushy, and my limits are, well, limited.

Each day has gotten a little better, with my ability to do things growing little by little. Yesterday I cooked two meals, though that pretty much sapped all my energy.

I have also had my kiddos with me this week. Much of my time has been dedicated to playing Minecraft or Lego Marvel Superheroes. It amazes me how taxing even those simple tasks can be.

I have not accomplished a great deal this week, but it has been a good time of recovery. School will be starting up soon and my time with my kids will go back to being very limited. I value each hour we get. Yesterday, my son and daughter would come to me steadily throughout the day for hugs and check-ins.

I am so grateful that they look to me for that source of nurturing and anchoring.

Having my children with me may slow down the recuperating process physically, but it makes a world of difference mentally.

All of this to say, I missed posting yesterday because when I sat down between meals, took out my computer, and stared at the screen I was mentally empty. I had nothing left to give from. So, I slipped my laptop back into its place and gave myself permission to skip a day.

 I know I have talked about it before, but I just want to reiterate how important it is to give yourself grace and room for life to happen.

I am not always good at this. I can get very impatient with how long it takes my body to recuperate anymore. I put pressure on myself to perform, to “be ok”, and to function up to “normal”. Not only are these “goals” unrealistic, but they are incredibly hard to define.

What is normal? What is being, ok?

I think it depends on the day. Today, being ok means spending time with my kids and getting them back to their mothers for the weekend. Today, being ok means doing their laundry, processing my thoughts, and not pushing myself. Today, being ok means sleeping in and making sure I take my medicine.

Each day, “ok” seems to depend on where I am when I wake up. I am learning to be “ok” with that. Most days I can accomplish what I want, if not as much as I want. It is just those days when I am recuperating from something that I struggle with how little I can do.

In response, I chose to remain thankful. I have my kids today, and that makes me smile. I have the mental energy to write, even if it isn’t my best work, and for that I am grateful. The food I prepared yesterday will provide our meals for today and not cooking today will be great. I will have some time today in the car to listen to a book and let my mind wander, and that will be awesome.

God is good and fills our lives with many blessings. It is easy to get distracted by the challenges, but if we take a moment to look, the scale always leans to the side of blessings. For that, I am thankful.

I hope next week’s posts will be better and more consistent as I continue to recuperate from weeks of pushing too hard. I hope each of you has taken time to relax, rest, recuperate, appreciate, and enjoy God’s many blessings. Most of all, I hope my words encourage and inspire someone else struggling today.

Drumsticks

The Drumstick ice cream treat was invented in 1928. Though there is some speculation that ingenuitive fairground vendors came up with the idea years earlier.

The concept is simple; a waffle cone, filled with vanilla ice cream, dipped in chocolate and topped with peanuts. A simple and straightforward treat that has delighted people for nearly 100 years.

Some people love the full comforting flavor of the waffle cone, some are obsessed with the sweet vanilla cream, and for some people, it just wouldn’t be right without the peanuts. For me, it is the small chunk of solid chocolate at the base of the cone.

That is the best

We didn’t really do Drumsticks much when I was a kid. I loved ice cream sandwiches and orange push-ups. My siblings each had their own various favorites, which I honestly do not recall as I was preoccupied with my own at the time, but I don’t seem to remember any Drumsticks.

My kids, however, love them.

That is how I found myself standing on the back porch indulging in an ice cream cone and watching my kids eat, laugh, and chat with their cousin.

It is rare that I allow myself to eat something so sweet and so my daughter took notice of me standing on the porch behind them. Our eyes met and held each other for a few moments, and we smiled. She took another bite of her cone and winked at me.

At seven she has not completely mastered the wink and it was one of those slower than usual and very deliberate ones that little kids do. I grinned and winked back.

Those precious few moments made my day.

Tv commercials attempting to evoke fond memories show people laughing and moving in slow motion as golden sunlight fills the screen around closeups of faces and indistinct bokeh all bathed in sepia tones.

That is exactly how that memory will exist for the rest of my life in my own mind.

I purchased the treats as something special for the kids. As I went to put the box away, I looked at the few remaining cones and said, “why not?”

After deciding to partake I briefly considered whether to eat the cone inside for some peace and quiet or to join my kids outside.

I chose to be present in the moment and that choice made all the difference.

Psalm 144:4 says, “Man is like a breath, his days are like a passing shadow.” (Psalm 144:4 ESV Bible Gateway)

In other words, life is short, and every moment precious and loaded with potential.

There is a great deal of talk in parenting circles about the importance of quality versus quantity of time spent with your children. While I believe it is important to create high-quality time together intentionally, this should not be an either-or situation.

Our children need us to be present with them in the moment. They need us to engage with them in the big, scary, simple, silly, and mundane moments. You don’t have to have every second planned out, or engineer talking points for every moment, just be present, and your family will notice.

Yes, parents are people too and have their own needs. That is why it is so important for you to take care of yourself when you can. You cannot stay present and engaged if you constantly run on empty. Be intentional about choosing a time that doesn’t take away from your family and is sufficient to take care of yourself.

If you need counseling then get it, if you need meds then take them, and if you need some more sleep then take a nap. There will always be chores to do, things to clean and work to catch up on. The “Honey Do” list will never be “Honey, done.”

Do not run yourself ragged and spent worrying about things with no real significance.

Ten years from now I will remember a special moment of love and connection shared with my daughter on a warm sunny day. It has only been a couple of days and I couldn’t tell you if all the dishes were done or not.

People matter, relationships matter, and the state of your To-do list, ultimately, does not.

Drumsticks are a great treat, simple, no prep needed, and because it is ice cream people tend to slow down and enjoy them and each other.

I hope that your summer is going great, and I hope you take the time to be present in the moment and enjoy the people in your life while you still have them around you.

God bless.

Push

I enjoy lifting weights. I discovered weightlifting at 16 when my father invited me to lift with him. I was not a very strong kid, but we worked out every other day for a couple of months and I saw a lot of progress. The weight I was lifting increased considerably and I began to build muscle mass quickly.

This early experience led me to try again in my twenties. I was working out at the gym every day. I spent the first hour running and then transitioned to weight training. I was typically alone so most of my time was spent on resistance machines. I continued that routine for half a year. By the end, I was seeing some small progress in the amount of weight I could lift, but little in the mass building.

It took me a little while to figure out the difference between the two experiences. When I worked out with my father, he designed our routine to focus on growth. This meant more weight, few reps, and constantly trying for more. When I worked out on my own, I had no idea how much to do so I focused on reps and move up in weight very slowly. As a result, I had much greater endurance but less mass and power.

Without a workout partner, I did not know how to push myself enough to grow. My dad believed in pushing yourself. If a part of our body was hurt, we were told that working it, making it hurt, would cause it to get better quicker. If our stomach was upset, we were told to eat something spicy to “clean out our system”. If we were tired, we were told to push through it, and that way we could go further the next time.

This was certainly true in my experience with running. The more I would push through the burning and exhaustion the further I could go the next time. It also showed great results in weightlifting. I have grown up believing that part of being a man, part of being responsible, an adult, and a hard worker is pushing yourself hard and becoming “better” for it.

This is a very difficult mindset to break and, unfortunately, one that is not always correct.

It started at 7:15 this morning. I could feel the thick, heavy, fog on the back right side of my brain. I started twitching on my right side. My leg lost most of its strength and I began to feel fatigued all over. My speech became sluggish and stuttered and I had difficulty looking around without it worsening the symptoms.

I am intimately aware of what my body goes through when I am having a seizure episode. I know when it seems like a few moments of quiet will help and when it is going to be a bad episode. This morning I knew according to how I felt that I needed to go back to bed.

The problem was that I was at work, and I have difficulty not fighting to try and push through when I am at work. Part of me feels bad about leaving my coworkers hanging or letting my boss down, part of me feels guilty for wanting to “quit” on the shift before I know for certain that I will end up on the floor. Then there is the part of me that just wants someone to notice and know that I’m not just making it up to go home early.

I am fully aware that these are all my own insecurities and have been told by several managers to let them know and not to push it. Still, today I jerked and tottered, and barely made it until 10am before I finally stumbled back to the break room until I could recover enough to go home.

Pushing through it does not help with the seizures. It makes them considerably worse. I can not wait or rely on someone else noticing and interceding to take care of me. I must take care of myself. I do not build endurance or strength by pushing through until I can’t, I tear my body down and make it harder to recover.

I do not prove myself a hard worker, prove that I’m not a quitter, or help anyone by pushing to work through an episode. Rather, I typically end up taking a manager’s time as someone is forced to make sure I don’t bust my head on something until I can be picked up.

Today, I made the decision to go home while I could still drive. I am trying to learn and grow. I hear people talk about ableism and how rough it can be to have a disability that others don’t understand or have difficulty seeing. There is a building cultural awareness and push to seek understanding, allow for accommodations, and realize you don’t have all the information about someone else’s life.

Those are all great things, but I wish someone would have talked with me a little more about giving myself grace. I have experienced ableism, but I am consistently the hardest person on me. I’m not good at breaking out of that “push through it” mindset.

I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who is their own worst critic. Many people would recognize the often-toxic nature of my self-narrative. We push ourselves too hard, hold ourselves up to impossible standards, are slow to forgive, and are quick to criticize ourselves.

It isn’t healthy.

When I look at others, I see the ocean of love that God has for them and can readily find the reasons, excuses, and brokenness that lead them to poor decisions. In myself, I see only the ocean of ways that I fall short, the myriad of ways I should have known better or done better.

Sound familiar?

The truth is that God loves you just as much as anyone else. God has given you the same grace given to everyone else. Life is tough and often bigger than we are. We are not called to measure up, or to be better enough, rather we are called to recognize our weaknesses and trust God to see us through anyway.

There are good and appropriate times and ways to push yourself into growth and strength. However, there are times that pushing forward in our own power will cause greater harm and we must learn to allow ourselves to be weak in those circumstances. That weakness requires us to trust God that He can fill in the blanks and make our “not enough” more than enough.

Give yourself some grace, learn when to push and when to rest, and trust God to handle what you cannot.

“No”

“Can you come in on Friday, 7-12?”

The question was straightforward enough but I bought time to think by looking through my calendar. I only ever plan one thing to do on Fridays, go get pick up my kids, for which I do not leave until the afternoon. I knew I had nothing else to do.

My mind raced, I had not worked a full week last week due to being sick, but I also knew the difficulty I have functioning when I work too many hours. I walk a delicate balancing line between work and being functional enough to accomplish anything else.

I have one of those pesky “invisible” disabilities and, after 12 years, I am still trying to learn to balance everything out. So, the answer should have been obvious right?

The problem is that I really hate saying, “No”.

I hate feeling like I have disappointed someone, and my brain spins and whirls with thoughts of self-recrimination and assumptions that now my boss will find me less reliable or like me less. It is difficult to explain the internal struggle that I have with telling someone “No”.

Saying “No” is a very important skill to have but I do not like it. The word “No” is so final and feels almost disrespectful. In Improv they teach you to say, “Yes, and…” the phrase is used to accept everyone’s creative ideas and build upon the narrative. I really like this idea. It is comfortable to say “yes” and people like it when you do it.

The problem is that saying “yes” isn’t always good for you.

There are people who will take advantage of you and misuse you, but far more often I have found that you will use and abuse yourself. your perceptions of what others will think of you and how you will impact their feelings towards you will drive you into the ground faster than anything else. All from a well-intentioned inability to say “no” and risk disappointing someone.

The word “No” may be uncomfortable but it is a powerful tool when used with wisdom and I believe you will find that others expect you to tell them no when you need or want to. By and large, the people in your life care about you and want you to take care of yourself, and that includes telling them no when needed.

By telling my boss “No” and turning down a Friday shift I protected myself from seizures, being unable to drive to get my children, and causing a disruption at work. That one word hedged my entire weekend and protected my entire family from being impacted by a misplaced need to please people.

Today my brain feels made of fog. The rear center mass of my skull feels as thick as concrete and dull as a wooden spoon. I am fatigued and struggling to put even these words together. A large part of me has read what I have written and knows how poorly I have done. I hear a voice inside scolding me saying I should go back, do heavy editing, and maybe scrap it for better material altogether.

Today, I say “No”.

It is my true hope that someone out there needs to hear and know that they are allowed, encouraged even, to say no from time to time. I pray that someone steps out boldly and practices this advice for the first time today and finds a form of freedom in self-care. However, even if this ends up being one of the least impactful posts I write, today it is all I have to give, and it is enough.

Cheesecake

I was twenty-one years old and trying to impress a girl. It seems like an odd reason to learn how to make a cheesecake from scratch, but I would guess it is not the strangest thing a man has done to impress a woman.

I carefully followed the instructions from a recipe in an old Southern Living book that my hosts had. It was a New York-style cheesecake, and the process was complex. I had never used alcohol, amaretto, in my cooking, never heard of a “bath” for baking, and had no clue why you would grind the peel of a lemon.

Yet, I followed the instructions with care. The cream cheese was allowed to reach room temperature, everything was mixed at medium or slow speeds, the egg yolks and whites were added separately, and the cake was carefully wrapped and placed in a bath to bake.

The process was long, labor-intensive, and completely worth it!

I went on to make chocolate, chocolate mint, turtle, peanut butter, pina colada, eggnog, and other cheesecakes, some of my own creations.

There is nothing like the rich, creamy, and decadent nature of a real made from scratch cheesecake. I found that I enjoy the process as well.

Yesterday I wrote about the importance of creating and being creative. This was one of the first ways I found to be creative and successful at it. My favorite part of making cheesecake is watching the rapture wash over others’ faces as they take that first slow luxuriant bite. There is pride and joy in knowing you have done something well and that others enjoy it.

I do not make cheesecake often anymore. It is expensive to make and unhealthy to eat. I have transferred my cooking energies to other areas. For a while, this included making chili. To this day one of the best foods, I have ever eaten is the chili I used to make, though a focus on low carb eating has curbed that practice as well.

Nowadays I find low carb, high protein, options, and experiment. My latest and most popular recipe uses ground pork, cauliflower rice, onions, peppers, and eggs to make a dish that my mother and I could eat every day of the week.

Food is unique among creative pursuits in of the fact that it is a basic human need; we all must eat. Eating is also a cultural phenomenon, with each culture having its own preferences, customs, and peculiarities. Most importantly, however, food allows for the immediate physical enjoyment of your labor.

It is, if done well, a sure way to get immediate positive feedback, and that can be addicting.

Immediate feedback is why I enjoyed and worked so hard in college. Grades, tests, and papers all provided ways to receive praise from people I respected based on something I had accomplished. That satisfied a deep need I had never realized I had.

I think we all need some praise and encouragement, far more than we usually receive. Yet, I am also conscious of my own children’s need for praise. I go out of my way to tell them I am proud of them, that I love them, and that they do a good job. I find things in what they do to praise them for and strive to word suggestions for improvement in ways that normalize the growth process and eliminate a sense of failure.

We all need to hear “good job” from time to time, but I do not want them to feel starved of it either. One of the core needs of every human being is to feel like we are good at something. I do not want them to carry a doubt about themselves that I could prevent.

As for myself? I imagine I will carry the doubts and needs with me until God washes them away in a fuller revelation of His complete love. Yet, I learn day by day to need it less. I learn to celebrate the successes of my efforts and to enjoy and appreciate them myself. I may not be able to rely on someone else always being available to encourage me, but I can offer myself kindness when it’s needed.

What is more, I can use my gifts to encourage others who need it and in seeing the light in their faces, I can find joy and encouragement as well. You will find, when you go out of your way to bless others, God always finds a way to bless you too.

And, from time to time, I will make another decadent homemade cheesecake and find others to share it with. I really love a good cheesecake.

Shanty Hollow

I woke up this morning still aching from work the day before. My head felt heavy and foggy, and I just wanted to go to sleep. The problem was that I had decided last night that I was going hiking today. I lay in bed and played on my phone for a whole hour before I forced myself to get up and get ready.

The weather has been warm and sunny for the past couple of days, and I refused to miss the opportunity to take advantage of it. I googled local hiking trails and found one close by.

Shanty Hollow is a man-made lake in Warren County, Kentucky surrounded by sandstone and limestone rock formations and bluffs. There is a well-worn trail that leads to a 150-foot waterfall, boulders, and rock faces popular with local climbers. This sounded like a winner to me, so I packed a few essentials and took off.

The lake was quiet, the sun warm, and the area was beautiful. I scrambled across various rocks, did a little light bouldering, and explored on and around the trail itself. Overall, the trip was great, it felt good to be out in the woods, and even though I saw several other hikers, it never felt overcrowded.

The trail was not difficult, with no significant elevation changes, however, there are a few places where the footing is uneven and you may have to step across, up, or in between rocks. I took my time and enjoyed the walk, though, to be honest, most of my attention was stolen by the desire to climb the boulders surrounding the trail.

I followed the trail down to the waterfall and decide to keep going. The cliff face curved around, and I followed it back the direction I came, on the opposite side of the stream. There were several overhangs and pools of run-off water, and I even climbed a short span to the top of the ridge.

The trail got busier as mid-day turned to afternoon and I wound my way back out of the small “canyon”.

I did not remember that I felt so crappy this morning until I sat down to write. Being in the woods, and getting the chance to climb again, as well as the intense desire to explore had erased any negative memories at all.

All too often life hands us myriads of reasons to avoid adventures and steer clear of the things we know are good for us. All too often we latch on to those reasons.

In the last few days, my mood has taken a massive downswing. I had just been talking to my therapist about how much better my depression was and then this week happened. Just this morning I was thinking about how none of the jobs I have applied for have responded and the thought that kept blaring in my head was, “My dad was right, no one wants me.”

The thought shocked me a little. I said it with little to no real emotion other than a sense of frustration and hopelessness at ever bettering my situation. Yet, part of my mind kept trying to point out how messed up it was that my father had told me that no one wanted me. I could recognize that fact, it just has lost its emotional impact at this point.

I won’t say that my depressed mood has been erased by a couple of hours in the woods, but the difference is considerable.

My point is this; we all know something in our lives that energizes us, is uplifting, and helps to change our cognitive space. We can come up with all the excuses in the world not to pursue these things when battling depression, in fact, that is one of the effects of depression, yet it is vital that we do not.

Our mental health and cognitive status is directly influenced by what we choose to do and the environment we choose to put ourselves in. Choose wisely. Even if it takes stubbornly forcing yourself to climb out of bed and do something, do it. You are worth whatever sacrifice it takes to start feeling and thinking better.

God lovingly designed you with things, people, and experiences in life that inspire and invest life into you. We may not understand exactly why, but it is placed there intentionally for you to pursue, and when we don’t it wearies our spirit.

Take time for yourself, pursue what you love, invest in your mental health, and feel and be better. You are so very worth it and you can be an example for so many others who need to know they are worth it too.

Breakthrough Twitches

I woke up feeling sluggish and dragging. I had missed my alarm but managed not to be late, by the grace of God. It is no fun to wake up exhausted but not unusual. I quickly threw on my clothes and drove to work.

The first couple of hours went by without much to comment on but as the day dragged on my fatigue began to climb. I could feel my back and shoulders beginning to slump and ache and the weight on my brain increased. By the time three hours had gone by I was starting to twitch.

I can fight the twitching off for a good while, sometimes I can suppress them completely. Today the jerking of my head, contracting of arm and shoulder, weakness in my right leg and momentary loss of balance happened whether I fought or not.

As the twitching started a bone-deep weariness settled in and I felt like I was trying to work through a haze. I have felt that bone weariness before and described it as my body feeling like it was going to shut down on me.

I have been instructed to pay close attention to what triggers these episodes. Some of my providers think they may be related to stressors on my system, some have said it is a more physical problem. Today was one of the first days I have noticed how connected they are to the sense of exhaustion.

I do not know what the answers are, but I know some lessons I have learned from my experiences with this neurological disorder.

Lesson one: it is important to pay attention to your body. We are taught to value being tough, especially men. Part of this “toughness” we are supposed to have is the ability to cope with discomfort and pain without complaint or allowing it to hinder us. Men are even mocked by each other and society when they do complain and are told they are being weak, overdramatic, or some other derogatory phrase.

The truth is, I have unintentionally slowed diagnosis and treatment by ignoring what my body is going through, both physically and emotionally. I was so well trained to do this that a significant amount of time in therapy has been spent teaching me how to be more aware.

Pain, physical or emotional, exists for a reason, as does discomfort, exhaustion, and everything else we feel. These are the methods our bodies use to communicate things to us and ignoring them can lead to a build-up of even worse issues. It is not weak to listen to your body and communicate how you feel, it can keep you healthy.

Lesson two: do what it takes to care for yourself. There are so many triggers for these seizures that avoiding them takes significant effort. For a long time, I would try and “suck it up” and just deal with them. As a result, I ended up nearly chair bound and being taken care of by family members for several months on end while my body recuperated from the frequent and significant episodes, I was subjecting it to.

Physically taking care of myself includes insuring I have enough sleep, exercising, avoiding loud or competing noises and harsh lighting, and isolating myself when my system starts to feel overwhelmed. Less obvious is the internal work I must do. Learning to process through old pain, adjust expectations and dysfunctional thought patterns, and work on self-awareness.

If you do not do what is required to take care of yourself, your body will force you to, and that is never a pleasant experience.

Lesson three: sometimes you can do your best, fight your hardest, and get everything right and crap still happens. Kind of like today, sometimes the twitching is going to happen, like it or not.

Life is full of breakthrough moments. We tend to think of these as good things, but often they aren’t. Often in life, you will be doing the best you can, and something just breaks through and goes wrong. You find yourself knocked on your butt and having to pick yourself back up again.

We can not control these things, but we can control how we respond and how we let them affect us. Stressing over it, practicing self-blame, and overanalyzing the situation cause more harm than good. They will on weaken your system further and make the bounce-back that much harder.

Instead, learn to shake your head and accept that sometimes things outside of your control happen to you. Look for one or two good things you can learn or take away from the experience. If there is a chance to learn we should always take it. Finally, let it go.

Paul says in Philippians to forget what is behind and just keep on pushing towards the goal. That is a life lesson we could all stand to learn.

Don’t get hung up on those days when something seems to break through your efforts and progress and knock you back. Just get back up, brush yourself off, and set your sights on your goal. Those breakthrough moments in your life will train and strengthen you for when you get to be the one breaking through and achieving goals you have kept pushing for.

Remember, we are promised that God is the author and finisher of our faith. He knows where we started and every up and down of the story and he promises that once He has begun this good work in you, He will see it completed. God doesn’t leave half-finished projects.

Just keep pushing.