My Panama

I flipped through a dense line of hangers on one of the dozens of racks jammed with lovingly worn dress shirts, suits, and pants. KARM is one of the largest thrift stores in the area, and their numerous locations make finding a treasure at one of them much more likely.

Not all my dress clothes were scored at thrift stores, but it is undoubtedly an effective way to extend a fixed and limited budget.

As I scanned the clothes, my son excitedly called for my attention. “Look,” he practically bounced as he pointed at his head. He wore a small, tanned straw dress hat. Its round rim was upturned, and the crown was creased evenly across its length. The bowler fit him perfectly.

“Now I look just like you! Do you like it?”

“Yes, I do. It looks very good.”

His smile split his face, “Now, I’m your mini-you.”

Please, allow me to explain.

I have always been fond of hats. I think they look good on me, and I enjoy wearing them. I enjoy none more thoroughly than a good fedora. If I had the money, I would probably have an overly extravagant collection of dress hats. They are a great way to keep the sun off your head, protect you from the elements, and look incredibly sharp.

I really like hats.

That being said, I did not wear them for a long time. While I have always enjoyed dressing up, I have not always had the confidence to do so. I was not afraid of how I looked, rather I was overly concerned with whether it was an appropriate time or what others would think.

In short, I feared being seen and what others thought about me.

Dance allowed me to wear my dress clothes, hats, saddle shoes, and other accouterments in an appropriate setting. While I dressed more extravagantly than others, it was always met with approval and encouragement. Recalling how “dressing up” always made me feel didn’t take long.

I feel comfortable, at home, and more genuinely me in dress clothes, a vest, and a nice hat. I like how I look and feel and enjoy seeing the smiles on others’ faces when they take in a “fancy” outfit.

So, I have been dressing up far more often. This includes wearing my hats more often.

Specifically, I wear my white straw Panama, especially when it is sunny and warm. My kids have gotten used to seeing me in “my hat.”

It was my son’s field day, and he called me that morning asking if I could go. Accordingly, my morning had been spent getting ready and rushing to his school. I wore a white linen button-up, jeans, and my Panama.

When I picked up my son, he said, “My friend asked where my dad was, and I said, ‘Do you see that blinding white spot?’”

That is not the only time he has told me he located me in a crowd because of my “blindingly white” hat.

We spent the afternoon together, going to thrift shops and playing The Oregon Trail card game. Again and again, he told me how thankful he was to spend time with me and how much he loved his hat. Many times, he repeated that he was a miniature me.

It has taken nearly forty years to accept and embrace who I am. I started to for a short time when I first came to college, but my identity was still heavily wrapped up in trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be or what I thought would make someone else proud.

Don’t get me wrong, I certainly haven’t perfected it. I still think about what other people think of me. I still want to impress or make others proud. I still struggle to accept parts of myself, deal with self-doubt, and struggle with self-image.

Yet, I feel comfortable with who I am. I still strive to improve and do better, but the nature of who I am is a valid and acceptable person. I appreciate some of my qualities.

I always wondered what anyone else could possibly see in me. I couldn’t comprehend what would attract someone to me. I saw little of worth in me.

I still wonder sometimes if I am enough to really attract anyone. I don’t only mean sexually but for friendship or otherwise. Yet, I know I like aspects of who I am and can see that others can too.

Perhaps, for some, that seems obvious. For me, it is relatively new. I occasionally catch myself saying, “Well, I am good at…” It doesn’t matter how you fill that blank; my internal narrative has never included that phrase.

I do not think it is coincidental that the way my son most attached to being a little “me” was through wearing a hat. My Panama hat is a visual statement that I am comfortable with what I like and who I am. It is an object lesson of my self-confidence and willingness to see myself and the value I bring.

That is a message my son needs to internalize. I have heard the self-deprecating and devaluing statements he makes about himself. I have watched him deal with the temptation to just give up on caring about himself. It breaks my heart.

We should all be comfortable just being authentically who we are. He is deeply loved and valued for his gifts, strengths, quirks, and even weaknesses. You are too.

I pray that one day a tired, worn old Panama hat will sit upside down on a table somewhere as the anchor of a memory of me. A memory of a man who loved deeply, boldly, and freely. A memory of warmth, acceptance, and encouragement. A memory that provokes you to enjoy the gift of life that God has given you, to enjoy the wonderful way He has made you, and to quit worrying about what others think about what makes you wonderfully you.

May my Panama encourage you to be fun, creative, and free. You are worth it, and you are loved.

Voices

I hear voices.

Oh, don’t pretend you don’t. We all do.

When the night has grown dark and still. The hours begin to tick by too fast and every third thought is, “Good grief, I have got to go to sleep.” That is when I hear the angry voice of my kid’s mother telling me that everything is my fault. That is when the bitter voice inside lashes out with all the words I’ve never said.

When the ceiling fan stirs the cool air, the quilt rides low on my shoulders, and I roll onto my side a tiny voice whispers in my ear, “Wouldn’t it be nice if there was someone there? There never will be again.”

When I struggle through a day of work, hit hard with bouts of twitching or sleep attacks the voices of men from my past echo in my skull, “You are just being lazy. You are a quitter. Just push through.”

When an attractive woman who seems interesting and kind smiles and part of my mind wonders about possibilities a chorus sings to me, “No one is interested in you. You aren’t attractive or wealthy enough. The only woman who was willing to be with you left you for someone else.”

When the number on the scale goes up or I struggle through a workout, “You are going to fail. It is just a matter of time, you’ll give in, slip up, or get lazy. You’ll get fat again. Heck, you are still fat. You’ll never put on muscle like you want to. Give it up.”

These are some of the voices I hear on a regular basis. I would be willing to bet they sound familiar to a great many of you. No matter what positive thing you can think of a voice always pops up to discourage and tear down.

The enemy comes to steal. Steal joy, motivation, confidence, self-worth, and respect. The enemy comes to kill. Kill determination, logic, love, and perspective. The enemy comes to destroy. Destroy dreams, routines, plans, futures, and faith.

John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10 ESV Bible Gateway)

The problem is that we are often “the thief”, or at least we do his work for him.

It is natural for our minds to take in the “voices” we have heard all our lives. We conglomerate the messages we’ve received about ourselves and the world around us into a self-image. Most of us realize that this self-image is incredibly flawed by the time we reach adulthood, however, we never seem to shed ourselves of it completely.

The trick is to reframe our mental self-image. We must expose the inconsistencies and lies told by our internal monologue.

“You are still fat.”

“Actually, I could probably wear a size 32. That is thin by anyone’s standard.”

“Well, you aren’t building muscle.”

“Actually, a friend commented just yesterday that he could see the definition in my muscle tone.”

“Too little too late. Your wife left you for another man because you aren’t enough. You didn’t do enough, didn’t help, didn’t open up, or love enough.”

“Infidelity is never the other partner’s fault. There are no good excuses for not fighting for marriage and I keep a cleaner, more organized home now than when I was trying to make up for another adult too.”

“That isn’t true. You are lazy and give up on everything.”

“I am more aware of my limitations due to compounding health problems than ever, yet I still manage to get what needs to be done, done. Doing things in accordance with what I am able does not make me lazy. As for giving up? I have lost at least 170lbs of fat and put on over 6lbs of muscle in just under two years. That doesn’t sound like giving up to me.”

“You’ll still end up alone.”

“That is ok.”

“What?”

“That is ok with me. If I am alone or not, is my decision. I do not need someone else. God has built me to be perfectly enough with Him. My kids love me and want to spend time with me. I have good friends who care deeply about me. What more do I need?”

You see the truth is that the “voices” you decide to listen to are going to be the loudest.

Yes, the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy but, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 ESV Bible Gateway)

God is not telling us that we are open as sheep without a shepherd, vulnerable to whatever predator comes to hunt. Rather, He is presenting us with a choice. On the one hand, an enemy desires nothing more than to cause you harm. On the other hand, He offers us abundant life.

It can be difficult to filter through the voices in our heads. Remaking our mental self-image is a long and difficult process, but it is a choice. It is a decision we make every day when we decide to either give in to the negative or expose negative thoughts to the reality of who we are in Christ.

Does this mean we can choose our way out of depression? No.

We can, however, do the hard work of refocusing our mental picture and starving out all the voices that want to drag us down.

God loves you, and He wants you to love yourself as well.

200lbs

My eating had been out of control. I had been snacking, eating more, and not sticking to my eating guidelines. My exercise routine had slipped, the seizure episodes had me in bed, and I knew I was gaining weight. I was failing and putting fat back on. I was never going to reach my goals, look fit, or get in shape.

My heart thumped low in my chest as I stepped onto the scale. The hateful red needled bounced back and forth between the 199 and 200lbs line. I blinked my eyes, shook my body a little, and waited for the needle to resettle; 199-200lbs.

I lost 5 more pounds?

I find myself in a cycle, maybe it is familiar to you. I feel unable to see or feel the weight I have lost. I am down 165lbs from a year and a half ago, yet when I look down, I see and feel like the same old me. I can not remember a time when I weighed so little, yet I still feel fat.

I asked my therapist about this issue, “Every three or four weeks I start to become convinced that I am gaining weight. I feel fat and out of control but when I weigh myself, I have actually lost more weight! This cannot be healthy, right?”

I will not burden you with the lengthy conversation that followed but allow me to summarize some of the highlights. An inability to see or feel your own progress is common. The panic over losing control is likely related to allowing yourself to loosen your control from time to time and feeling guilty over it. It is important to remind yourself of how far you have come, how much progress you have made, and the reality of where you are today.

She told me to stop avoiding looking in mirrors, suggested printing out pictures of me before the weight loss and posting them on the mirror, and suggested keeping an old pair of pants to put on occasionally.

The trick is to physically see the progress. I need to retrain my brain to recognize how far I have come.

Just as important, however, is to train my brain to see what I actually look like now. This is an uncomfortable task for me. I have never cared for how I look and have never been satisfied with my body, so I have never been much of a “selfie” guy.

The prospect of looking at my body and not only seeing what needs to improve is difficult to imagine. I think that there will always be things to improve on, and to a point that is a healthy reality, but it should not prevent you from seeing the positive that is already there.

So, I need reminders. Reminders of progress like old photos, old clothes, and the like. Reminders to see what I really look like? Those are more difficult.

Dressing up, looking at myself in the mirror, and weight training all work to help change my mental image to reflect more of what I really look like.

These are intentional decisions that I must make to battle my brain’s habit of seeing me the way I was before. They are little things I can do to remind myself daily that I am making progress and things are improving.

As I said before, this is not an uncommon problem. People have a hard time seeing the change in themselves. We get a picture of ourselves stuck in our minds and it is hard to change that picture.

We can change physically, our attitudes can change, our outlook, and even aspects of our personalities. Many of us work every day to change unhealthy thought patterns, habits, and behaviors for the sake of our physical and mental health.

All these can happen gradually, resulting in major progress that we struggle to see or feel. It is easy to get discouraged and give up on a hard process when we fail to see the beneficial results. We can even develop new unhealthy patterns in response.

It is vital that we give ourselves consistent and effective reminders of our progress.

Have you suffered from severe depression and have been putting in the time and work to get better? What reminders have you set up to point out and measure your progress? Did you make it through an entire weekend without intrusive thoughts, self-harm ideations, bedridden days, or panic attacks? That is progress! Take note, celebrate it, and remind yourself.

Your brain had years to establish a sense of who you were before, it is going to take intentional time and effort for it to learn who you are becoming.

We must also see clearly where we are today.

We want a real picture of where you are. Yes, you want to see how skinny, healthy, happy, or stable you are, but you also want to see the work that still needs to be done. You need balance.

Life is a process.

The academic term for the life process for a Christian is “sanctification.”

Sanctification is the process of becoming more like Christ. God tells us that change is neither sudden nor one and done. Change is a process. It is a steady progression that will never end. With each passing day, month, and year we are transformed to be more like Jesus and there is always more room to grow.

The awareness of where we have been, where we are now, and where we are going is what makes up our life’s story. It is what allows us to know our place in that story and how to navigate the scenes unfolding around us. It is what gives us hope that God, who is the author and finisher of our story, knows what He is doing and will be faithful and just to see it to completion.

Do not let discouragement blind you to the progress you have made. Set reminders of where you’ve been and how far you have come, then celebrate your progress.

And remember, I’m proud of you.