I woke up feeling sluggish and dragging. I had missed my alarm but managed not to be late, by the grace of God. It is no fun to wake up exhausted but not unusual. I quickly threw on my clothes and drove to work.
The first couple of hours went by without much to comment on but as the day dragged on my fatigue began to climb. I could feel my back and shoulders beginning to slump and ache and the weight on my brain increased. By the time three hours had gone by I was starting to twitch.
I can fight the twitching off for a good while, sometimes I can suppress them completely. Today the jerking of my head, contracting of arm and shoulder, weakness in my right leg and momentary loss of balance happened whether I fought or not.
As the twitching started a bone-deep weariness settled in and I felt like I was trying to work through a haze. I have felt that bone weariness before and described it as my body feeling like it was going to shut down on me.
I have been instructed to pay close attention to what triggers these episodes. Some of my providers think they may be related to stressors on my system, some have said it is a more physical problem. Today was one of the first days I have noticed how connected they are to the sense of exhaustion.
I do not know what the answers are, but I know some lessons I have learned from my experiences with this neurological disorder.
Lesson one: it is important to pay attention to your body. We are taught to value being tough, especially men. Part of this “toughness” we are supposed to have is the ability to cope with discomfort and pain without complaint or allowing it to hinder us. Men are even mocked by each other and society when they do complain and are told they are being weak, overdramatic, or some other derogatory phrase.
The truth is, I have unintentionally slowed diagnosis and treatment by ignoring what my body is going through, both physically and emotionally. I was so well trained to do this that a significant amount of time in therapy has been spent teaching me how to be more aware.
Pain, physical or emotional, exists for a reason, as does discomfort, exhaustion, and everything else we feel. These are the methods our bodies use to communicate things to us and ignoring them can lead to a build-up of even worse issues. It is not weak to listen to your body and communicate how you feel, it can keep you healthy.
Lesson two: do what it takes to care for yourself. There are so many triggers for these seizures that avoiding them takes significant effort. For a long time, I would try and “suck it up” and just deal with them. As a result, I ended up nearly chair bound and being taken care of by family members for several months on end while my body recuperated from the frequent and significant episodes, I was subjecting it to.
Physically taking care of myself includes insuring I have enough sleep, exercising, avoiding loud or competing noises and harsh lighting, and isolating myself when my system starts to feel overwhelmed. Less obvious is the internal work I must do. Learning to process through old pain, adjust expectations and dysfunctional thought patterns, and work on self-awareness.
If you do not do what is required to take care of yourself, your body will force you to, and that is never a pleasant experience.
Lesson three: sometimes you can do your best, fight your hardest, and get everything right and crap still happens. Kind of like today, sometimes the twitching is going to happen, like it or not.
Life is full of breakthrough moments. We tend to think of these as good things, but often they aren’t. Often in life, you will be doing the best you can, and something just breaks through and goes wrong. You find yourself knocked on your butt and having to pick yourself back up again.
We can not control these things, but we can control how we respond and how we let them affect us. Stressing over it, practicing self-blame, and overanalyzing the situation cause more harm than good. They will on weaken your system further and make the bounce-back that much harder.
Instead, learn to shake your head and accept that sometimes things outside of your control happen to you. Look for one or two good things you can learn or take away from the experience. If there is a chance to learn we should always take it. Finally, let it go.
Paul says in Philippians to forget what is behind and just keep on pushing towards the goal. That is a life lesson we could all stand to learn.
Don’t get hung up on those days when something seems to break through your efforts and progress and knock you back. Just get back up, brush yourself off, and set your sights on your goal. Those breakthrough moments in your life will train and strengthen you for when you get to be the one breaking through and achieving goals you have kept pushing for.
Remember, we are promised that God is the author and finisher of our faith. He knows where we started and every up and down of the story and he promises that once He has begun this good work in you, He will see it completed. God doesn’t leave half-finished projects.
Just keep pushing.
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